The Conservative Beatitudes

The Conservative Beatitudes

And turning His gaze toward His disciples, He began to say, "Blessed are you who are rich, for clearly God loves you best.

Blessed are you who conspicuously consume now, may you always be satisfied.

Blessed are you who live the good life now, for you have clearly earned it. Or inherited it. Or fell into it. Doesn't matter. Have at it.

Blessed are you when men envy and resent you, because God has bestowed wealth on you and your fathers and your children. Be glad in that day and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is forever, for God finds the Death Tax an abomination

But woe to you who are not-so-rich or downright poor, for you are receiving what you deserve. And don't be asking for entitlements, for a safety net is an abomination to God also. And besides, it builds character and maybe your children will find favor and wealth with God.

Woe to you who are hungry now, for you shall be hungry until you and your wife both get second jobs.. Woe to you who mourn and weep now, for you must pick yourself up by your bootstraps to be right with God.

Blessed are you when all men speak against you for your avarice, for their fathers used to treat the robber barons in the same way.

But I say to you who hear, screw your enemies, do misery to those who hate you,
crush under your heel those who curse you, pray for those who distrust you, so they may see your rightness with God.

Whoever hits you on the cheek, hire another to smite him severely and teach him a lesson; and whoever takes away your coat, prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law.

Give to nobody who asks of you, for it only encourages them to be lazy and dependent.

Treat others the same way you want them to treat you. Unless it involves taxes or money or any inconvenience to you. Then do whatever you believe God wants, for you are a favored one.

Blessed are you if you love those who love you, for that is impressively wonderful of you. God does not expect you to worry about others, that is God's job. And if it looks like others are suffering, well that's not your concern. God will provide (within reason).

If you do good to those who do good to you, what more could God expect?

If you lend to those who are lesser in God's eyes, make sure you get a good rate, at least 6 over prime. With multiple penalty provisions.

But love those also favored by God with wealth, and do good, and lend, expecting almost nothing in return to them; and your reward will be great, as favors beget favors and you will be most assuredly taken care of.

Be merciful, within reason; don't go crazy on this one.

Judge harshly those who do not live up to your standards and are clearly not favored by God with wealth and privilege, for they need your tough love to better themselves.

With apologies to Al Franken and Supply Side Jesus...

Addendum:

Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's. But only for those things which benefit you, your family or your business interests personally such as defense, transportation, the civil and international courts, and the like. Oppose Caesar's attempts to use your money to promote the general welfare with a social safety net, healthcare or anything else that you don't personally need. And do not ask why. God is mysterious and beyond your ability to understand. And render a few bucks to charity now and then. You'll feel better.

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